A Collection of Writings
I really should not have been so sarcastic about Gordon Brown in my last whinge. It makes it so much harder to have another go at him. Fortunately, Gordon, being the sort of bloke he is, decided to help me out. His claim that he has 'saved the world' is breathtaking. Where does he come from? Is he a reincarnation of Klaatu? Sounds good to me. The way everything is diving towards zero I am waiting for the announcement that the world is standing still any day now. Not sure how GB will spin that.
Probably a lugubrious speech along the lines: "I have stopped the world for the day in the long term interests of all Nations. There will be a little fall out from this and I apologise for the lack of air and those homes that have spun off into space. Although the atmosphere has been depleted by 93.2%, that which is left is much purer and of a higher quality than that left by the Tories in 1997. There is also the unexpected bonus that 98.8% of the oceans have disappeared with the houses so that all the continents will be joined together to form One World. I will announce the name of the one world later. Probably Gordon World. Or Planet Brown. The rot stops here!"
"We have learned the lesson that allowing the Earth to continue on its present course will lead to misery and the Tories winning the next election. This will be manifestly unacceptable as the Tories seem to think that putting things off for another day and spending money you haven't got, is bad. 99.3% of the surviving population, mostly the intelligentia of the civil service and Cabinet Ministers who I invited to join Me in My bunker, have agreed that lessons must be learned and action taken. In order to avoid a return to Tory standards, pre-1997, it may be necessary to cull any dissidents remaining in the other 7% of the population. I must admit that when I said I intended to stop the world I had only meant to cut off the electricity for the day but one of My Ministers lost his laptop on the Underground and we had to busk the formula for turning off the power plants and I spilt My cocoa on My computer keyboard and somehow stopped the world spinning. But lessons have been learned and we have thrown out the coffee machine."
Alistair Campbell tells me that the world will continue to stand still until the keyboard dries out around midday tomorrow. For all of you who have survived and the .2% who still have a house to live in, there is a glorious epoch ahead. Together we will be able to build Supermarkets and car parks wherever we like. 99.99% of ancient monuments or arable land will be concreted over to preserve its intrinsic value. This, of course does not include My ancestral home or My place of birth or those places dear to My immediate supporters. 89% of all Sports grounds will also be covered and used as parade grounds so that the serfs citizens can come and listen to My orations about My cleverness in saving the world. These can also be used as an Execution Ground for those dastardly Germans and others who do not recognise My role as Omnipotent Fiscal Swarmi.
Elections will be ruled out. My presence as the Supreme Leader in My World (working title) makes the obvious statement that electing leaders is an outmoded concept. You have Me as a 100% Shining Example of a Leader being appointed by Cabal. This is not the same as the Tory model of succession by accident of birth (.6%). My form of inherited government does not need to discommode those who have survived by asking them to take part in pointless elections. When I have had enough I will appoint My successor who will continue to run the world along the lines I have established. But first we have to get down to the really important things in life."
"Many of the CCTV surveillance cameras, estimated at 55.1%, have survived intact My drastic and successful experiment of stopping the Earth from spinning, which was demanded by our dear friends, now departed. It is now the loyal duty of all citizens of My World to reactivate the cameras so that everyone will have the benefit of knowing that I am keeping a benign eye on them. With the exception of the .01% who don't see it My way, of course. Once this is done I want you to collect any reasonably unsullied piece of paper you can find and fill in your most intimate details. You will then take them to a kiosk which My Civil Servants, the best of which have survived Stop Day as they are all in the prepared bunker with Me and will be taking advantage of the food, drink and other comforts for the rest of their lives, where your details will be noted down and you will be required to deliver comestibles to our bunker for 39 consecutive days on pain of being incarcerated in a surviving underground sewer for 60 days without food or water. Any rats that might be consumed during this time will result in the malefactor having 30 days added to his sentence for each offence."
"All citizens will have the right to enjoy the full, 100%, fruits of their labour without My incredibly intelligent and loyal crew, led by that paragon of all the new virtues, Lord, hereby created Lord All Mighty Mandy the Magnificent and privileged to wear as much silk lace underwear as he likes, taking so much as an apple to pay for their unswerving loyalty and devotion. All citizens will have to do is donate 150% of every apple they grow to the GB Cronies Fund. I should point out here that there will be a universal standard for all things grown. Those not reaching the required standard will be destroyed but will be counted as part of the growers harvest. The size of the harvest will be decided by our special committee that, each Spring, will visit each orchard surviving on the barren landscape and count the number of blossoms on the tree. This will form the basis for the estimation of the number of apples garnered at harvest time."
"I have decided that attempting to discipline children, or allowing them to be disciplined, will waste 65.4% of the time of the new Hostility Hospitality Police I will be bringing into force as soon as I can leave My bunker. In future children, when weaned, will be allowed to fend for themselves. Special Baby Bars will be open 24/7 where children can enjoy the companionship and mores of others of a like mind and drink until they no longer are able to stand. I have not received the latest statistics but I am led to believe that this will lead to a 79.9% drop in youths being able to use the knives and guns supplied as a part of their rites of passage. Children, having two parents co-habiting, will not be regarded as children in the legal sense and no benefits will be paid to the parents. Members of My government with offspring will be encouraged to provide them with appropriate employment to be paid for by My grateful subjects."
"Gordonmas Day will replace the outmoded and sectarian holiday of Christmas. To save expenses, presents will not be given between individuals but sent straight to Me to share with my mates. May Day will become My Day and Easter Day will now become Alistair Campbell Day. Harvest Festival will become Mandy's Feast Day - supplied by the grateful post Stop-Day survivors. I was going to give Alistair Darling Hallow'een but then I remembered that he once expressed a view on the economy that I had not claimed so I think he won't be around long enough to enjoy it. I have now given it to David Milliband. He probably won't enjoy it for long but he has been saying some deservedly nice things about Me recently."
"In the case that none of you survive Stop Day, I, and My colleagues, will take due note of what has occurred, learn the lesson and make sure that nothing like that happens to us in the future."
Good My Day."
"Was that all right Mandy? Didn't overdo the grinning did I, Al? What's that GORT didn't say? Sod it. Thought I'd turn the microphone off"
14/12/2024