A Collection of Writings
For years I flirted with the idea that I was alone in the Universe and you were all figments of my existential imagination. I got bored with all the problems of making the Universe run smoothly and decided to have a shot at Paranoia. At least paranoia means that you are never alone - with or without a Strand.
I found it very hard to convince skeptical friends that there really was a government department with the acronym DoPP (Department of Pitt Persecution). At last I have absolute proof and have contacted Panorama to do an expose.
The proof? What about this? I was about to start a series on Film and Memorabilia on Sunday night. I was sitting on the sofa, burnishing up the witty, spontaneous asides I was going to have the audience rolling on the carpet .... with. (Those prepositions are uncontrollable) Tuesday I got a call from the Producer. 'The Studio has burned down.' he quoth. I brayed a short, unconvincing laugh. If he was trying a last minute ruse to ditch me he had got the wrong gal. Hadn't he heard about the Pankhursts chaining themselves to the railings to get what they wanted? OK they were a bit before my time - but only just.
And what a bunch of be-bustled and big hatted Edwardians could do would be as nothing to the emancipated Pitt. But the producer wasn't laughing. The Studio really had burned down. How it happened he didn't know. I didn't tell him about the DoPP. It's best to keep that a close secret. Anyway, he said they were trying to relocate but that was three days ago and there has been an ominous silence since then. So what do you think? Is paranoia on the increase? Should we have a cull? Bonfires burning smokily in the night covering up our misdeeds? Or should we try another mental aberration? (I'm using the Royal 'we' here, you understand just in case the existentialism kicks in again.) I'd probably make a brilliant psychopath.
I was just thinking how nice it would be to do a little trip somewhere when I get a call from Jens Reinheimer from the Movie Shop in Stuttgart inviting me to a film fair in Dortmund, Germany on April Fools Day. (Is he trying to tell me something?) I haven't been to Germany since I made Wild Geese 2 there back in '85. Then the Berlin Wall was still dividing the country and emanating menace. It will be interesting to go back and see how they have cleaned up their act now that the wall is down.
There is a small problem. I'm doing the convention at Brighton the day before, on the 31st March. I thought March - April - no problem. It was only later that the significance of the two dates sunk in. It means I will have to dash from Brighton to Gatwick so that I will be in Dortmund bright and early the following morning. Hurtling around airports used to be exciting when I was young and crispy - now I'm an old biddy all I can think of is how much panting and wheezing I'll have to do to get it all in.
There's a new convention added to the menu this year. It's in one of my favourite cities - Norwich. I have fond memories of playing the theatre there. It's right next to a chocolate factory and very Willie Wonka-ish. Now, on the 24th. March, I will going back there for the 1st Norwich Film Fair. After the fair there will be a screening of Countess Dracula. I shall have to drive back after the show, I have a very important date for the Sunday. My grand daughter, the exquisite Sofia, is being baptised and I wouldn't miss that for anything.
But before I hit the county described succinctly by Noel Coward as 'very flat', I will be heading up the M5 to the NEC in Birmingham on the 17th & 18 March for Henry Cook's Memorabilia 2001 show. It's a great event and if you haven't been before don't miss it. One element, alas, will be missing. A friend, Rob Webley of The Realm, has written a wonderful song for me and I wanted to give it a go at the NEC. Henry has remained very non-committal about my chances of warbling it to the thousands he always attracts to the show. Could it be that he has heard something?
If you are on the list for website updates I guess you were pretty impressed with me last month? Since the abortive attempt to contact potential Club members a year ago when I sent Christmas greetings in July, I've read a book. Nothing to do with the Internet - I just wanted you to know that I have read a book. Anyway, in a twinkling of a misguided finger I sent out 2,000 updates. What d'you think of that? And - I'm going to do it again. Not the Christmas bit, of course, just a little reminder to have a look in at my new, splendid Website. A promise - not a threat - unless you don't want me hogging your screen time. And that would make me very sad.